Stop saying these These Harsh Phrases to your kids; say neuroscientist—here’s how the most successful parents teach self-discipline to their kids.
Parents often have conversations with their kids that start off well, but then, somewhere, somehow, things take a wrong turn.
A kid who was open and responsive to discussion, or at least not hostile, completely shuts down. A small disagreement turns into a big fight. What happened?
- “If you don’t work hard now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
(This one is the most common and dangerous statement)
It is always good to show kids the negative aspect of life, but instilling fear is one of the least effective ways to spark intrinsic motivation in kids. In fact, it can be detrimental for kids who, each time they are reminded of how important it is that they do better, become more stressed — and sometimes, avoidant.
Another reason phrases like this don’t work is that the context is beyond kids understanding. Trying to get a seventh grader to stick with swimming because it will look good on college applications, for example, is much like saying, “Now that you’re in high school, we need to talk about your future plan for you.”
It is also seen that as adults we have our own self proclaimed ideas which we want to impose it on the kids, but does it really work ? And the answer is “BLUNT NO”, because you may be thinking that your Child becomes a DOCTOR, but he/she wants to be an ENGINEER, or may be he is made to become a “SINGER” than the tussle starts, here a deep understanding is required and an open talk with the child will make it more clear, you can even take help of technology here by taking “BRIANOGRAPHY TEST”, “PSYCHOMETRIC ASSEMENT TEST” rather than imposing your own thoughts and making them scared of the forthcoming situations.
Kids are not capable of thinking ahead the way adults are. That’s what makes them kids. Rather I would say here to take it further, they are not Situations driven like adults, they are innocent and full of life.
How understanding & successful parents act or respond instead:
Encourage them: “You haven’t mastered yet, but you can get better at it. Look how far you’ve come already!” Analyzing the situation closely and finding the loose ends will give you a little more clarity.
Help them see the positives: “Yes it is hard. But if you keep practicing with determination, you will have more confidence that you can face future challenges like this with ease, and you will feel really good.”
Don’t make it all about school: “I know [X class] has been difficult, but I love that you’re working hard at baseball — and I’m confident you’ll be able to work just as hard in X class if you put in the same amount of energy and efforts.” Spend some time helping the kid, DIWY (Do it With You) will be more positive approach. These needs time and patience.
Talk to them on regular basis, help them set their future plans/goals, discuss with them openly and give your genuine feedback and support. You can also take help from expert counsellors, trainers and coaches.
- “It’s my job to keep you safe.” (Never be Over Protective – This is a Catch 69 Situation)
Yes definitely as parents it is our morale responsibility to keep the kids safe, but as kids get older and reach middle school or high school, keeping them safe is a job that we cannot by any measure do successfully. We’re not with them all the time and we can’t track their every move. Rather if a proper step towards making them more aware will help. Even a Sparrow’s kids learns to fly on its own once its grown up and he/she has to learn to defend itself.
When kids think it’s the parents, job to keep them safe, and not theirs, they are more apt to behave recklessly, thinking there is always a safety net when in really, there is not.
This doesn’t mean you should silence opinions there are times you need to say no and be clear about the risks you feel uneasy about them taking.
How understanding & successful parents act or respond instead:
Calmly explain your concerns: “I don’t feel comfortable with this, and here’s the reason why……….. (giving them a proper reason for your concern with soft but stern words will make it more effective)”
Allow them to make mistakes. Carefully letting your kids learn a hard lesson on their own, and then talking to them about it after the fact will give them great insight. As adults we were kids too and we all made mistakes isn’t it ? Yes we did, than why be over protective with them ?
Talk through perceived dangers together: “I have some concerns about [XYZ = reason / situation], but I also imagine that you have a different idea in your head. Can you tell me how you’ll handle things if [XYZ = situation / reason] goes wrong/bad, so that we both feel comfortable?”
- “I’m punishing you because you have to learn that thisbehavioris not acceptable.” (Punishment in the 21st Century does not work well, this is worst practice, this also is the main reason why kids behave vulnerably in their adulthood, there has been a significant research over it in the recent times)
Enforcing punishment might help you feel like you have a sense of control, but research shows that not only does it hurt your relationship with your kid, it’s also an ineffective tool for changing behavior. The kids become more rigid.
Although it may briefly stop a meltdown, it doesn’t inspire positive behavior or teach kids what to do. Plus, the more parents threaten, the more kids lie and hide problems that they may need help with.
How understanding & successful parents act or respond instead:
If they don’t want to hear your opinion, don’t force it on them. The goal is to teach, which only happens when they’re actually listening. If you communicate respectfully, they’ll be more likely to come to you at another time: “I felt pretty upset about what just went down and I suspect you may, too. Can we talk later about how to get a better outcome if this happens again?”
Talk with them, not at them: “I need you to know that I’m NOT okay with what you did, but I really want to understand where you are coming from.”
Discuss the consequences in advance, and make sure you both agree with them. Be specific, strategic and reasonable. (We’ve also always wondered why some parents think “You’re grounded forever!” is an appropriate reaction to everything their kids do wrong.). This technique will not only help you gain more confidence on your child, but will also help you overcome forthcoming issues/situations that might arise, back of the mind of your child there will always be impact on how you will respond to the situation, also there will be impact on your child that there is someone whom I can talk and discuss with openly. (Here I am not saying that child will become reckless or careless and keep doing mistake’s, but this will help him be more vigilant towards what is going to for-come.)
- “You spend too much time on your phone or gadget.”
(This is a very common issue these days, and Covid situation has made this bad to worse)
The problem with this statement is that it’s not respectful of the way a kid inhabits their social world — a world that looks much different than ours did.
Social media and gaming are versions of the note-passing and arcade visits that were so instrumental in our youth, and we wouldn’t have taken well to someone suggesting that we just cut that part of our lives out.
Plus, we want to help kids manage their relationship with technology, because we have a pretty strong sense that it isn’t going anywhere.
How understanding & successful parents act or respond instead:
Increase your influence by showing genuine interest in what interests them or what they really like to do. Ask about the games they play, people they follow, shows they watch, book’s they read — and partake with them, at least some of the time. Power struggles have no winners long-term.
Before we give them a proper reason to get off their phones, We ourselves have to introspect on this, how much time do we spend online ?. “Speaking to them that I have noticed that you haven’t been spending any time with us since you got home from school. Do you want to go to the library and pick out some new books ?” Can we go for a stroll and spend some time in Nature ? Can we have a good family time together ? Can we have Dinner together ?
Mentor more than you monitor: “How much more time do you need to finish up what you’re doing? I don’t want to cut you off [doing “what you are doing” thing], but I also want you to be on your phone in a way that seems balanced.”